Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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