I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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