Just cropdusted the office
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
