im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize