I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
