my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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