i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
