got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize