I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
