I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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