I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
sex in a hospital.. check
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Randomize
