So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
