Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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