when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
