Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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