He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
