but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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