I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
and she was petting her beer can
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
