They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
