the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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