I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
