i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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