I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
