You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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