I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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