i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
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