I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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