u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
