it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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