I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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