I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
