Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
