Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
where does the pee come out of this thing
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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