Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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