It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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