But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
