Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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