I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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