____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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