did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize