it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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