dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
