I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Randomize
