i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
