Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
