I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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