If that was your dad, he is hot
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize