I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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