Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
