my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
