The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
