I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
