then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Oh god it's open bar.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
