I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
