I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize