Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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