So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
