I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
my liver is dry heaving
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
