i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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