Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
did i just pee glitter
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
