I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
