She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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