I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
