i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
