I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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