I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
