I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
