kristin has been a bad kristin
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
and you fell through a lawn chair
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
