Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Blood and glitter go together right?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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