Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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